Shiny new things
... and wanting what others have so you can finally be happy.
It has been a strange few weeks. At the end of July, I left my full-time role at Open Government Products. I had been considering this for a few months, and almost immediately, after I finally decided and tendered my resignation, I felt a hundred times lighter.
Somehow, I believed that with so much free time on my hands, I would immediately start writing and publishing this newsletter more frequently. I even had a whole new direction that I was excited to explore.
But this transition has been trickier than I expected. Here's what I've been up to, and what I've been thinking about.
1. Thought too little, did too much
When I knew I was going to have a near abundance of free time, the first thing I did was look at my calendar, and panic.
What were all these vacant 1-hour blocks staring back at me? What was my life without back-to-back calls? What were these "things you've always wanted to do" that people kept telling me I would finally have time for??
Instinctively, I did what every responsible millennial does. I filled up as many of these blocks as I could with appointments—farewell coffees with ex-colleagues, catch up coffees with friends, prospecting coffees with professional acquaintances. I embarked on a solid, ambitious fortnight of pure socialising, only to find myself lying awake in bed at 7:17 AM one morning, fighting that sinking feeling, dreading the lunch, coffee, and dinner appointments I had scheduled for that day.
It hit me that this was no different from how I had always optimised my time, and I was exhausted. I had wanted space to figure out what my own path could look like, and here I was, doing the same shit dressed up in a different costume.
I recently joked with a friend that I only know how to live life at the extremes. I am either doing something all the time or nothing at all. These days I'm trying to examine more deeply whether this is a manifestation of having never really learnt what it means to find balance; to regulate or moderate how I live.
2. Shiny new things
At the same time, one of the wonderful things about (re-)connecting with people at this time is that many conversations take on a different kind of quality. We focus less on present anxieties, and allow ourselves to be inspired, inventive, courageous. "Maybe I could," we say, and for the duration of a conversation, we live different, more adventurous lives.
Such interactions have brought with them a particular kind of struggle. With every seed of an idea, or every opportunity someone tells me to consider, I've had to consciously ask myself if it's really what I want.
Because it's so easy to get carried away. Not just by the novelty of each new thing, but also by the promise of security—that safe, comforting, feeling of progress and validation that will supposedly come once I stop over-thinking, choose, and do.
This isn't entirely isn't wrong. Indecisiveness more than bad judgment has crippled many an ambitious dreamer. Yet in many of these moments, I've found myself weighing potential projects against a set of metrics that don't feel good.
I would ask myself: what could this turn into, might it make me x amount of money (x being the salary I used to draw), is this finally the thing that's worth trading my newfound freedom for?
None of these are bad questions to ask, but I left my job in response to a growing tension within myself that while I was ticking many of these boxes, I was not me. If these were to be the metrics, I might as well have never quit.
And so with every new opportunity, I now allow myself to sit with it. To let it simmer and rattle about in the ether of my sub-conscious.
After a few days, if the shine wears off and I see myself gravitating towards other things, I know it's an infatuation, and I gently let it go. In other cases, I've followed through, pushed for clarity, made progress, and been energised by every moment of it (even if it's not currently making me any money).
This is something I've known for a long time, but am still learning every single day:
As much as it is important to dream and aspire, we don't allow ourselves to be informed/transformed by the present moment when we start indulging fantasies about what our accomplishments will equate to in the real world. We cannot control what happens, only how we respond to what is happening right now. When I'm able to remember this, I stop rushing, and I end up make healthier decisions that lead to more fulfilling outcomes.
"Don't aim to be the best. Be the only." - Kevin Kelly
3. Shiny familiar things
These days, this is how I'm trying to think about work and, to an extent, how I spend my time.
On one hand, I'm listening to my intuition more. I'm pursuing things that 'feel' right, and that tap into the better angels of my nature.
My angels: doing fun and creative things, being in a state of flow, helping others, enjoying the process, solving meaningful problems
My demons: impatience, restlessness, craving validation, financial reward, prestige, control
While I've done a bunch of different things in the past, I'm ignoring the formats, parameters, and job titles in which I've practised and executed these roles. Instead, I'm paying attention to whether each project connects me to the parts of myself that feel alive when I'm doing the thing.
I'm being mindful of shiny new things, and leaning instead towards older, familiar things that are starting to shine a little brighter because I now understand and appreciate them with fresh eyes.
At the moment, this looks like dabbling in startup consulting work, doing some coaching and mentoring, and slowly getting back to writing this newsletter. I'm also exploring a number of fairly bold projects that could potentially have positive, lasting social impact.
4. Taking my time
Most importantly, I'm learning how to rest. I've concluded that enjoying one's free time is a skill that needs to be honed with intention, discipline, and audacity. For those of us for whom our full-time jobs have become the backbone of our self-worth and how we spend our days, freedom—even if hard-won—is not so easily appreciated.
Some days, I indulge in what I call the small joys of life, e.g. watching movies, cooking, staring out my window, drinking coffee, listening to music, touching my plants, and starting on new books. I'm also trying to get out in the sun more, even if it's just to walk several rounds around Bedok Reservoir.
Fun stuff aside, I’m choosing my projects based on the following things (and btw, sometimes work is none of these things, and can still be immensely satisfying):
I can have control and flexibility over my time, choosing when and how often I want to work on it
It allows for fun, creativity, and experimentation. To test new ideas and approaches on meaningful problems
I'm able to work with people I like, particularly people who think my unique jumble of skills is useful to them, and whose visions I resonate deeply with
I'm able to leverage the range of skills and interests I've accumulated over my career, whether it's content strategy, people management, or iterating on business ideas
5. I did this to myself
A part of me wishes this newsletter could have been more 'I quit my job and now I'm doing all these crazy things and life is amazing'. But the truth is that some days are easier than others. Just over a week ago, I spent an entire day watching Netflix, only to find myself in a state of anxiety at night, when I then proceeded to schedule a bunch of follow-ups and appointments with people I had been meaning to reach out to.
In moments like these, I find myself confronting the brutal reality that I'm really just fooling around and enjoying myself; that I don't actually have a plan, and am only able to do this because I'm lucky enough to have savings, which will eventually run out because I'm an idiot.
But then I try to breathe through it and remember that I gave myself permission to do this. To try this out because I was unhappy and it was truly the only option.
I remind myself that I don't need to look at what others are doing, or to model my path after the ones others have taken. As long as I can sit with the uncertainty, and make sure that I'm at least doing something, everything will eventually work out.
And so it goes.
I'm hoping I'll have more to share in the coming months as things fall into place. If figuring out your own path is something you've also been thinking about (this doesn't always have to mean quitting your full-time job), feel free to reach out by replying to this email or dropping me a note.
I'd love to lend a listening ear and chat. I have time after all. 🙂
Exciting times ahead my friend - take your time and no pressure man!